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security.

above it all.

1/11/08 11:01 pm - note to self.

it used to bother me but there is some ground that i have covered & i am taking it in stride.
& it feels good.

i'm finally taking my own advice, something i should have done long ago.
i'm using my time to sort things & construct, rather than leave things to unravel as they please.



it's about time i became brutally honest.

1/6/08 11:44 am - candy corn & fucking beer.

the worst part about all of this is that i deserve every bit of it.
but that does not change the fact that you have become like everyone else in my past. you were my safety, despite the lies i was telling you. i have created this monster again & i swore that i would never bring myself to that level ever, ever, again.

but there i sat last night, staring at the text messages you were sending me [yes, text messages. you didn't even have the decency to tell me what was going on].
everything you said was complete bullshit. from being too busy to having too much on your mind. i knew exactly what was going on but i didn't say anything.
it really wasn't my place.
living a double life is so dreadful and demeaning. & when i find myself hurt by someone that doesn't even know what i've been doing to them, well then i might as well call myself a hypocrit.

when things start to go sour or to my dislike, i stray. i don't know why, but it has always been what i do. it was an innocent night, but when you kissed me, it felt different. i vowed not to again, but it didn't stop.
i created a whirlwind & after some time i was unphased that i was cheating. over & over again.

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i still blame you. 
i don't care if it doesn't make sense. i know your words weren't true this entire month & i will not forgive you for that. i told you i was fucking scared out of my mind, but you assured me. & i will keep telling you that you are like every other guy on this whole fucking planet.
why?
because you fucked me. 
& left me with nothing. not even a warning. don't say that i made no effort. you made it perfectly clear how busy you were.

the good side? 
it's new year.
& i have him. the one person i can trust with my life & my words & my body. he is my other half & i regret everything that i have done behind his back.
but it's the past & i am new. i'm sick of the double life & i am sick of terrible people. i don't want to be terrible, either.




what a fucking waste of time.

12/12/07 07:41 pm - it's too constant.

i fucking battle myself to stay faithful to you. but when i only see you for a moment of time, i don't know how else to react.

you are gone all day. you have to stay late to finish something. & i understand all that. but fuck, why can't you have some sort of concern in your voice?
there has been nothing lately that has lifted my spirits long enough to come see you. & when i finally get the motivation, you aren't around.



i feel insane & i don't know why.
i need to get out of here. but not alone.
there has to be something else aside from this feeling.

11/20/07 10:31 pm - posted in justwrite. savethissavemesavethis.

i can't calm this self-destruction.
i can feel sick all day with the thought of abandonment and wrong doing. but when it comes down to being alone, i'm willing to go to your house & go through with it all over again.

& to think my second half doesn't even know. doesn't even suspect. i say i'm a bad liar, but saying that is a lie in itself. i've heard it before, but i really am my own worst enemy.

there will never be clarity.
i wonder if you're awake.

Current Music: alkaline trio.
Current Mood: complacent complacent

11/16/07 04:39 pm - let's see how this goes.

things have been crowded in my mind. i don't even know how many different journals i have created over the years.
but i finally deleted all of them & have started over.

& i would really like to keep this one public and not have to bother with making my writing private.
i need good people that love to read & have things that are worthy writing about.

Current Music: my house noises.
Current Mood: rejuvenated rejuvenated
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